You know how the man of your dreams steps into an elevator with you, so you start rubbing against the wall and purring?

I envy the kind of relationship Kanye West has with Kanye West.

Ladies, your one true love is out there waiting for you! But so are sexual predators! So cross your fingers and toes, skip down that dark alley, and wish for the best!

How can I tell if a guy is really interested in me and not just wondering why I followed him home from the grocery store? Relationships are tough. 

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you were like, “Stop blowing kisses at me through my window or I’ll call the cops.”

An excellent way to surprise your girlfriend is to leave some pamphlets of a place she has always dreamed of going lying around and then break up with her.

What Disney Has Taught Me

• Snow White taught me that it’s not the size of the man, it’s how many friends will help with the kidnapping that matters.

• Sleeping Beauty taught me that if you don’t put out on the first date, you’ll die alone.

• The Little Mermaid taught me that if I make life threatening alterations and abandon my family that guy I met that one time will love me.

• Aladdin taught me how to parkour.