If your response to me telling you something bad has happened begins with “but at least…” then I would prefer you just not say anything. Just stare me in the eyes and slowly back out of the room never breaking eye contact until you reach the door.
Day 4 or 5 (I’ve lost all concept of time) living with the ladybugs. It’s been a while since my last update. The siege didn’t go as planned. As soon as the raccoons and I broke down the door the ladybugs attacked us with shuriken taking down half of us immediately. We attempted to overpower them, but it became clear pretty quick that these ladybugs were regulars at the gym. They crushed us, tied us up, and have been forcing us to watch every single episode of Pretty Little Liars. They’ve killed off one us with every season finale and I’m the last one alive.
The ladybugs have gone out for margaritas and have locked me in my closet. If anyone is reading this please send bacon. Maybe some cops too. You might want to leave out the part about my captors being bugs though. Cops can be really judgmental about bug crime and whether or not it exists.
Also, please kill Chuck E. Cheese. I know someone tipped off the ladybugs and he’s my only enemy in this universe.
Anonymous asked: I just consumed a good deal of alcohol by myself at a bar after a 10 hour day of doing taxes for old people who want all them deductions on their returns. Does that make me a real human being or a real hero or both?
You’re a god amongst men. Take Bianca with you next time!